 Who are Dan and Eric?
I've seen a number of posters on this list lately, so I thought I would expling the true foundation of the meaning of our belief. This is the history of Dan Ampers and His Disciple, Eric. (which is why the list is called DanAmpers&Eric). -Bob PS: I am *not* avoiding my 312 assignment. This was transcribed from the Great Book by my evil twin brother boB (who *is* avoiding doing his 312).
The History of Dan Ampers and His Disciple, Eric On a small farm in the woods of what is now the Swedish foothills, was born Dan Ampers on the 6th day of March in 1583. Although he was the child of simple folk, they knew that this was no ordinary child. A savior was born to them this day. The people of this snow-stricken land were in desperate need. You see, they were in the middle of the worst winter that anyone could remember. To make matters worse, they had slid into a great moral decline. Brother against brother they fought. The nights were filled with drunken debauchery -- the days with theft and treachery. One man alone, saw the light and spread the great news across the land. Later, we would know him as a great prophet of things to come. Elliot de Evan would travel from village to village proclaiming the coming of the True Savior. Thus spoke the prophet, "The rhetoric of the pedagogy of the oppressed really bites my weenie." Like wildfire, the word spread of the Prophet Elliot and the great wonders that he has spoken. As The Child grew, he taught the nobles and elders of his simple town the Great Ways. As a young man, Dan Ampers once spoketh thus "I looked at the universe and said: `It's kinda like a twinkie. It tastes bad and doesn't seem to be physically possible, yet I am eating it just the same.'" One-score-and-two-assists later, Dan Ampers began his public life. He traveled to the coastal town of Garylie. There, he met Eric. At that time, Eric was an author of great works on solitaire. At Dan Amper's calling, Eric walked away from everything he had known to follow Him. From sea to mountain, the Great Ways were proclaimed. Thus spoketh Ampers Dan "Whoever wants to tell about the pleasure of existence only and the art of picking cherries, shouldn't make any films at all. Because good people are boring. Only the evil have style." The crowd called out in great rejoycement "How wondrous are the Great Ways." Soon, the Great Dan Ampers had a large crowd of followers. Crying out from a mountaintop, the Disciple Eric relayed the following parable "He that abideth in truth will have frankensense and myhr smeared on his gums...in abundance and he shall dwell in the house of the lord...for six months; with an option to buy, but the wicked man...the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palette and he shall speak like a woman...if you watch him closely and he shall... he shall... The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemies... whether they can pay the delivery charge or not and... and... wait, I have more about the wicked man. I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death 'cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is... is ok in my book but he that... that fooleth around with barnyard animals... has gotta be watched." One day, the He was in the town of Bertico, when the a villager hurried up to Him. "O Great Healer, come quickly! My son is injured!" Ampers Dan went with the man. The Disciple Eric carried on the lesson. He proclaimeth thus "Creepy Pugsleyesque boy seeks older Wednesday Addams type girl." Meanwhile, the Great One, returned to the villager's home where he found a young man who had slit his own wrists. Dan Ampers asked the villager to leave. Dan remained, kneeling before a pool of blood, a look of remorse frozen on his face. Slowly he mouths "All those things I could do... All those Acon powers. And I couldn't even save him." That day, the Great Prophecy was made. He left the villager's home and returned to the crowd, where he proclaimed "The Child is Dead. Whatever." And the crowd saw The Truth. Not more than three months later, the great Dan Ampers and His Disciple Eric left the comfort of the land. They took a small group of the followers with them to the Mountains where they learned the True Meaning of Everything. One follower recounted the teachings of that day thusly, "Hooters Hooters, Yum Yum Yum, Hooters Hooters, On a girl that's Dumb." To this day, the meaning of this prophecy is shrouded in mystery, but scholars agree that it's true meaning is shrouded in symbolism. However, Dan Ampers' true Destiny still called. In those days, Kevin the Gold Smith was the curator of those lands. He declared Dan Ampers and His Disciple Eric to the outlaws heretics. One evening, when Ampers was teaching in the garden of Yo-that's-me, the guards approached and placed him under arrest. Dan Ampers was brought to the Purple Palace of Smith. That night, the Disciple Eric had his faith challenged. Three times, he was asked "Hey! Aren't you Sinead O'Connor?" Three times he said "Yep, that's me." Each time, he heard Pete crow "If he's Sinead, I'm Madonna." The next morning, The Great One was brought before Kevin. False testimony was given by A. Loof Burro. He accused Dan Ampers of the great crime of Jaywalking. This is a capitol offense. When asked for a reccomendation for punishment, he responded "Newman & Sproull will suffice nicely. You might even get away with looking at Sutherland, Sproull and Shumacker." The Magistrate asked Ampers Dan for his response. Thus spoketh the Great One "Kevin, your wit is tepid and lacking in spirit. You are as a small flower which, when carried upon the wind's harrowing passages, is thrown hither and thither, never reaching safe ground to spread its roots. And therefore, just as the flower, your feeble witicisms die from lack of nitrogen." The court was aghast. Both Dan Ampers and His Disciple Eric were sentenced to death by Weasel. Three days later, they were still dead.
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